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Talk It Out:
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"For the past 21 years, my dear brother has treated our
extended family to four days and three nights at a fabulous resort. It
started out as his ‘gift’ to everyone. In his eyes, that way no
one would have to cook, each person would have fun activities to enjoy
during the day, and we would gather for family meals with no dishes to
wash. Everyone and anyone was welcome. It was a five-star experience
unlike any member of our family had ever had while growing up. We were
not poor, but our vacations had consisted of car trips with stays in
roadside motels. Over the years, various groupings of family, friends,
people with no place to go for Christmas (even a minister whose
parishoners encouraged him to take advantage of the vacation and all
worshipped with another congregation) have joined us. It has been
wonderful, but several times throughout the years, I have chosen not
to go. In my heart of hearts, I felt that these trips were evolving
into ‘unintended consequences’.
This year, my brother has expanded his business considerably and in September communicated to everyone that his own business would be open on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so he would be unable to host the annual getaway. I told my husband, ‘Oh, boy! A REAL Christmas in our own home. No airline tickets, no fancy gowns for me, no tuxedo for you, no having to buy lots of ‘extras’ to dress appropriately, no having to spend ‘too much time’ with relatives you'd enjoy for a dinner but not for four days. And, just think, CHURCH on CHRISTMAS.’ Yes, I am sad to say, my husband and I are the only ones in our family who would go to church on Christmas of the entire bunch. We would board a shuttle bus, and celebrate with lots of other tourists. It was lovely, but it was not like being in our home church. We are not the only Christians in the family, but somehow, the entire event became about dressing up and eating gourmet food and admiring the setting and the famous people we ran into. The reaction from some of the other ‘distant’ relatives astounded me. After receiving the royal treatment for 21 years, some of the people who went every single time were angry! How dare my brother not provide their ‘winter vacation’ with all the extras thrown in at no cost to them! Hurumph! They acted like he'd committed treason. I'm so happy. It will give each member of the family a chance to rediscover the real meaning of Christmas." ~ Kathleen |
| "I think your family needs to wake up to the reality of our new economy. No celebrations, Christmas or otherwise, can be enjoyable if there are some in your family that cannot afford it. Some ideas: Shop for small, but needed items only for the children. Crayons and coloring books from the dollar store come to mind. If some of the children are older, for girls it can be bubble baths-also from the dollar store. For the boys, stickers (find out what their interests are) and used CDs. As for the adults, make homemade gifts--bath salts, baked goods, etc. For the get-togethers, why not make it a pot luck? The parents can fix a turkey and ham and everyone can draw an item to bring out of a basket (to ensure not too many of the same things). The point is to enjoy the time together, not the gifts. My husband and I will be going to his sisters for Thanksgiving and I am decorating 50 cent terra cotta pots with washed sea stones found during my walks on the beach. My husband, the green thumb, will put starts that he has taken from our creeping rosemary and plant them in the pots to give as a thank you gift for having us. Just a few ideas. I think the main thing is for everyone to talk about this subject and come to some kind of agreement. You do not have to adhere to other peoples spending habits just because a few want to go overboard with lavish gifts." ~ SB |
| "We moved from Michigan to Florida in October
2001. Neither my husband or myself found a job right away because of the
economy and everything that happened following the Sept. 11th attacks.
Christmas last year was pretty tight financially, and a little
depressing with no family members around. We have a wonderful 4-year-old
son, and we just concentrated on him. My husband and I each bought each
other one or two small presents (things that we needed), and then bought
our little boy four or five small toys and some books. We had a nice
Christmas dinner for just the three of us, and then went to church. We're trying to keep the focus on the fact that Christmas is about way more than presents. On Christmas Eve we read books about the birth of Jesus and things like that. In these times, it's a challenge to teach the kids that Christmas isn't about material things and gifts. There are many, many blessings during the holiday season that don't have anything to do with presents." ~ Elizabeth |
| "When it comes to holiday spending our family has
cut back over the years. Doing it gradually made it less painful for
those who just love getting and giving gifts. We discussed it with our
family members and each year have made small changes. Now we are just
giving the children gifts (with a price limit). The changes we made do
not have to be made by all family members. For example my parents and I
have agreed not to exchange gifts (we both have more stuff than we know
what to do with anyway) but one of my sisters still exchanges gifts with
them. I do not feel bad/obligated when my sister presents my parents
with their gifts. My husband and I do not exchange big gifts but we do
make up stockings for each other (usually filled with toiletries and
sweets). For financial reasons we have also cut out the traditional
"big family gift". I just buy for my children and my nephews.
Our extended family all gets together on Boxing Day for a big family Christmas. We have a traditional dinner but do it ‘pot-luck’ style. Whoever is having the meal at their house makes the turkey and then all the other dishes, rolls, desserts and appetizers are brought by other family members. This way it is not a big financial outlay for the one person hosting the meal. We don't do anything too special, just spend time together. The kids play together and exchange their gifts. Sometimes we will watch Christmas movies or just sit around and catch up. My sister who lives in another country and does not often make it home for Christmas always calls when we are all together so she can talk to everyone. We all help with the clean-up and often divide the leftovers up to take home. Generally it is a very non-stressful day." ~ Carrie |
| "Several years ago we realized that the escalating cost of gifts, entertainment, etc., during the holidays was wrecking our budget. We are senior citizens with a combined family, 10 children, 24 grandchildren. Our solution was a frank talk with the children and in-laws about an alternative. We decided that presents for the adults would be very small + gathering together to celebrate the season and spending that time talking, playing games, taking photos and just generally enjoying being with one another. Now that some of the grandchildren have reached their mid-teens, they, too have opted for being contributors, as well. We still gift the smaller children, but keep a lid on the spending per child. If you are careful and listen during the year you will pick up lots of hints as to each one's interest. Many inexpensive gifts are available during end-of-the-season sales at various times of year. As for the eating part of the event, everyone who attends brings something to share. The menu changes each year. We've done a Mexican Fiesta, an Italian smorgasbord, Chinese New Year, soup & sandwiches -- you name it. The host chooses the theme. We usually gather first at our church's Candlelight Service at 5pm on Christmas Eve then go to our family event. This frees up Christmas Day for each family to either spend at their own home or with the in-laws. So far, about 15 years now, this has worked for us." ~ Joanne |
| "I encourage you to continue bringing up the issue
with your family. I come from a fairly large family (7), and our
celebrations kept getting larger each year as our family grew. It was
taking us hours to open the gifts, and by the time the dinner was done,
we were all so tired, all we did was sleep! It came to a crisis when my
father got sick and eventually passed away, and we realized that
Christmas wasn't about getting or finding the perfect gift, but about
spending time together and celebrating Christ's birth. With Mother now
on a fixed income, it suddenly made sense to draw names and limit the
spending, even to us who held out for ‘tradition.’ We still do
Christmas stockings, and everyone contributes (again, with a spending
limit per person), but now we find time for crafting, talking, laughing,
remembering together. I'm looking forward to this Christmas with a whole new attitude. Keep encouraging!" ~ J |
| "If I were you, I'd talk to your husband and
decide what you will do. (Give only to children, give a family gift,
etc.) Then, I would call the rest of the family and let them know. As
for overspending, you could say, "We have decided to spend no more
than $__ (fill in the blank) per child, and will only be giving to
children this year." As for doing something together, I would simply plan it and do it. There is not likely to be one thing everyone agrees upon, so just do something. You could have a Christmas Eve party together, and make ornaments or gifts in a jar or candles, or roast marshmallows and sing hymns or go caroling around your neighborhood -- the possibilities are nearly endless! Say in the invitation what you'd like to do, and then have the supplies on hand. You can even say in the invitation that this is a celebration of the Lord's birth, and no gifts will be accepted, or that gifts will be given to Toys for Tots, or any other organization, or that gifts for children will only be accepted (whatever you decide). I would include a note in the invitation saying that you are trying to convey the ‘true’ meaning of Christmas to your children and they have enough toys (or you have enough stuff) and instead of getting and giving more, you figured memories would be more meaningful." ~ Jonna |
| "I would tell your extended family that YOUR family is the most important and you refuse to go into debt for Christmas. After all that is NOT the reason for the season.. Christ is ! Explain that you would consider buying just for the little kids. The past few years we have bought one gift for a woman and a man. Then we put numbers on the gifts; each gets a turn to pick a gift. We have all enjoyed the surprise of what we get and who we gave to. We buy $10.00 gifts like candles or fishing lures for the men. YOU have to stand on your own as a family and not worry about your siblings as much ..Your husband and kids should be your first priority!" ~ Lisa |
| "Guilty as charged! As our family has expanded (4
kids, 4 kids-in-law, 6 grandkids) I too haven't been able to bear the
idea of giving up the fun of everyone unwrapping lots of gifts, etc. For
us the feeling of abundance and celebration just wouldn't be the same if
only the children got gifts or if we exchanged names, etc. We all need
to be children sometimes and what better time than the holidays? I am doing at better at keeping costs down! I tend to forget things, so making lists is absolutely crucial for me (and not just during the holidays!) Being a good listener is a key. All year long I listen for peoples' comments like "’Someday I'd really like to have....’ or ‘My gazingus is starting to wear out....’ or ‘I really like....’ or ‘I'm always losing/breaking my .....’ I write those things down and refer to those lists often. I shop throughout the year and keep lists of what I've got stashed away and for whom. These are often modest little items but they can give a lot of pleasure and surprised comments like ‘How did you know?!’ Example: My auto mechanic son-in-law let it slip that he'd really like to see the old Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew TV shows again. Aha! Internet search = videos. (Try www.overstock.com.) You can get a lot of celebration mileage from very modest gifts if they really hit the spot. Another of our tactics is that Christmas is when we get our coming year's supply of new essentials such as underwear, socks, PJs, aftershave, even vitamins, etc. If you've been ‘getting by’, ‘making do with what you have’, in anticipation of the holidays, receiving these essentials all at once feels positively luxurious. And then there are the traditions. You'll know your family's traditions when you hear the phrase, ‘We always.....’ For example, ‘We always have’ hot spiced cider (and lots of other stuff!) when the family gathers for our holiday celebration, and it wouldn't feel like Christmas to David if he didn't get some Almond Roca candy, Jaimi didn't get homemade fudge, Matt didn't get M&Ms, Mike didn't get a Snickers bar in his stocking, and if I didn't get my annual box of cherry cordials and so on. By the way, we've further adapted to an ever-tightening budget by modifying birthday celebrations -- homemade cakes, a special meal at home, handwritten note cards instead of expensive birthday cards, and very modest gifts even for the children. Our birthday parties, even for the children, are family gatherings. We haven't fallen into the trap of the children's birthday party circus of having to reciprocate with birthday parties and giving gifts to our children's friends. To us, birthday celebrations are family celebrations. Nothing new here I'm sure, but it all comes together for us." ~ Jean <'}}}}><{ |
| "I too came from a large family that liked to do
it big. Although I can't seem to shake that mentality, I have found a
frugal way to do it. I go to yard sales all year, and pick up new items
that someone else got as a gift and didn't want. I buy them for a
fraction of what they would have cost new, and put them away until the
beginning of December. Then I pull out all of my treasures and start
wrapping! I also have a friend that has a large family, and we have decided to make a game of it. We are not allowed to give gifts to each other or any of our children unless they were bought at a yard sale. So far, I have found a watch for my friend, and a Little Tikes playset for one of her daughters. Total cost: $5.00 for both!" ~ Ruth |
| "One idea for a something for families to do together is to all chip in and go to a dinner theater or a play that is showing a special holiday program. The cost can sometimes be cut by a large group discount." ~ Sharon |
| "To save on holiday gift shopping, make it a challenge. Set a price limit, maybe $ 5-10, and get everything at pawn shops, secondhand stores, and rummage sales. It is fun! How often do you see the PERFECT thing for someone at those places? More than you know!" ~ Karen |
| "I FOUND THE EASIEST CHRISTMAS GIFT GIVING EVER. I
DON'T KNOW WHAT OTHER FOLKS THINK OF WHAT I DO BUT THIS IS WHAT I DO.
AFTER 36 YRS. AND 5 CHILDREN, I HAVE LEARNED THAT HARDLY ANYONE REALLY
LOVES WHAT THEY GET! SO I GO TO MY DOLLAR STORE AND BUY GIFT BAGS AND
FILL THEM WITH PRODUCTS THAT ARE USED DAILY BY MY FAMILY OR CANDIES OR
COOKIES AND COCOA AND SPECIAL TEAS. OR SOMETIMES I BUY TOOLS AND SUNDRY
ITEMS MY SONS AND HUBBY USE ON THEIR CARS. THEN HUBBY AND I DECIDE HOW
MUCH MONEY TO GIVE EACH ONE AND PUT THEM IN CHRISTMAS CARD FOR THEM TO
BUY WHAT THEY LIKE. THIS WAY I GET TO ENJOY THE FUN OF SHOPPING AND MY KIDS GET WHAT THEY WANT." ~ VELLYPAT |
| "The best Christmas we had was the one where we decided that we had to make something for one person. We could not buy a gift. We drew names and had most of the year to decide what to do. My husband drew his sister's name. He was challenged one day on vacation while he was bored to learn to cross stitch. He chose two patterns and I helped him get started. By the time we got home he was addicted to stitching. Now we had to find the perfect picture to stitch for her. He chose a 16x20 metallic thread carousel horse picture. I remember him calling the cross stitch book publishing company and asking on tips to stitch with metallic threads. He was so excited about it. When Christmas time came, his family all thought that I had done the work. It was so special to his sister to learn that her brother had made it, spending about 500 hours on it. To this day she still treasures the gift. And he did a great job too! You will never find this gift in the store to purchase. Others made equally nice things, this was just more significant as it was totally unexpected from this person." ~ AEN |
| "Wow, your Christmas celebration sounds just like
what used to go on in our family. The Christmas Eve celebration at
Grandma's was a huge gift fest, which was stressful and out of the
spirit of Christmas. For the past 10 years, I have hosted Christmas Eve at my house. I have mulled cider in the crock pot, which scents my home nicely, turn on the radio to the local station which plays Christmas music all that evening, set out the punch bowl, set out a few munchies, and every one else brings a special holiday treat to share. No pressure, no RSVP, NO GIFTS, just come if you like, and guess what? The family loves it and looks forward to it. The year my nephew got married and he told me that Christmas at Aunt Laurie's would continue to be a tradition for him and his new wife! Try it! It just may be a hit!" ~ Laurie |
| "I have had this same problem! I also had the
argument used on me that ‘we don't give birthday presents so Christmas
is our time!’ I just started to give a little bit less to everyone. I really had to decide what my limits were for number of and dollar amount on gifts. Once that is decided, I took time to think of something that the person would like (putting a lot of thought into a gift is sometimes really makes the gift ‘bigger’ than it is). Of course, I shopped sales to see if I could get a steal but I wouldn't go over my budget. I also had to remind myself that I shouldn't get bent out of shape if gifts to me started to get smaller but between others they remained bigger. It also worked out that every year one person or family got a little bit bigger gift. It tended to move around the family members but it was nice for me to know when I saw something I really wanted to give a person that I had planned for it. It also allowed me to give the smaller gifts for the next couple of years because the person remembered the previous generosity." ~ Jenifer |
| "For a few years now, we only make or buy Christmas ornaments for the children - nieces and nephews, as well as for the children of close friends. The beauty of giving ornaments is in the fact that it is not a gift that ends up lying around in a few weeks. The children also love decorating the tree with ‘their’ ornaments usually talking about the year they got it or who gave it to them while hanging the ornament. Also when they leave home, they have a collection of ornaments and memories to take with them. For the adults- or for those couples who do not have children, we usually give homemade mixes - everything from cocoa, fancy coffee, cookie mixes, soup mixes, etc." ~ GG |
| "Why not try ‘preaching by example’? If you
yourself give them homemade gifts, or smaller but meaningful gifts, most
people will get the message. If they don't, there is no reason to
apologize. However, they will think again next year before spending a
bundle.
Maybe the problem is on the emphasis of your family's holiday get-together: too much interest is centered on the presents themselves. Why not try introducing new traditions, maybe games everyone can participate in, or story-telling, or setting time aside for sharing life stories (give everyone a chance to share responses to questions like: what was the last year like? what are your plans for next year?). The idea is to take everyone's attention away from the presents, and more centered on the people gathered to celebrate together." ~ Eva |
| "In answer to the Christmas $$$ dilemma, this year
I had my family members read the book, ‘Unplug the Christmas Machine.’
We decided to get together and exchange talents instead of gifts. We
have a schedule set up and each of us will teach something that they
feel gifted in to the group. We invited friends to join with us who are
also interested in putting the focus back on Christ and the true meaning of Christmas. We also planned some fun things like carriage rides to look at the lights and making gingerbread cookies, etc. To get our new celebration off to a great start, we decided to rent a house in the mountains for four days and we had great fun looking for just the right place --- i.e. great view, great area, and low cost. We found just the spot for $50.00 per person for the entire four days. Much of the fun has been in the anticipation of finding the place, planning which talent to share and all the emails and phone calls and laughs that have ensued in the pursuit!" ~ Sheila |
| "I hate to say it, Carol, but give up the idea of a simple, low cost holiday AND one without guilt. No matter how hard you try, someone in your family is going to splurge on a gift for you, and you're going to feel bad because you received an expensive gift. And you're going to spend a lot of time telling yourself, ‘Not blowing the bank account is better in the long run. This is the right thing to do.’ And you'll be right: not overspending IS the right thing to do. Jesus was born into a humble family, not a wealthy one, and it's HIS birthday we're celebrating. But I have to tell you, Carol, the stress and guilt don't go away." ~ Carrie |
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Editor's Note: Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond. |