...of Good Family Relationships

Talk It Out:
When Manners Aren't up to Par

 

"I have friends whose children seem so polite and thoughtful and respectful. Unfortunately I can’t always say the same about my own children (ages 5 and 7). Sometimes I wonder if anything my husband and I are trying to teach them is sinking in. What ideas do your readers have for helping me help my children learn good manners and common courtesy?" ~ Amy


Responses:

 
"I have found it helps most to model good manners and constantly remind them whenever they have a slip. It also helps to enlist the aid of the ‘House Fairy’ (www.housefairy.org). You can subscribe for extra goodies, but there is a lot of free help on the site." ~ Robyn, AZ

 
"Persevere! Your children are still quiet young, so just keep at it. Gently and consistently correct the faults you see in them, and don't allow your standards to slip for any reason ( i.e.: don't let them off with bad manners just because you have visitors and don't want a fuss). Above all remember that you -- the adult in their lives -- set the example, so make sure that your own behavior is up to scratch. Believe me, children always behave better away from home. I felt the same as you, and it can be really discouraging. Now my daughter is 17 and not only do I receive compliments about her manners, but she herself notices bad manners in others! ( I'm still working on my 12 year old!) Give it time and don't give up. The very fact your concerned shows you'll make a success of it!" ~ Dessie


"I find that the more stressed out I become about my daughter's (age 5) manners, the less likely she is to respond, and the more snappish I can become.  However, when I remember that she is an innocent child, learning her path in the world, and that it is my job to guide her, I can approach the situation with more humor and kindness, and then she tends to respond beautifully.  One practical way to do this is when entering a potentially tough situation (dinner out, for example), I say, 'I know that you will do a fabulous job of having great manners. What good manners will you use today?' Then she tells me her answers ('not talk with my mouth full,' 'not interrupt,' etc.).  By giving her a chance to be successful before we even start, she feels powerful…and I feel relieved.  When she slips up, I say, 'Oops!  I think you forgot!' instead of getting upset with her, and she's able to course-correct on her own.  Children want to succeed, and to please, and I think that this method works well for both parents and children." ~ Kristina

 
"Manners at our dinner table are not always what I think they should be.  However, when another adult tells me how polite or well-behaved my children were in a situation that didn't include me, I smile knowing that what I've been trying to teach them for years has taken root." ~ Nancy

 
"I have five children, now all grown, who have always been a delight to me. They are both respectful and kind, and always have been. They have never been rude to me or to their father. Two things helped them grow up that way. One was example: children instinctively emulate what they are shown. If anything in our household was not pleasing to God, the best place to start making change was always in the parents.  If I had discourteous children, what I would do is make sure their parents were leading the way in unfailing courtesy, kindness and humility.  The second thing that helped is that we always listened to our children, took their views into account. and explained things to them, endeavoring to see things from their point of view: They were never asked to cooperate with something they could not understand. For example, 'Don't run' became 'Don't run because the pavement is uneven here, and this is the place where the dustman tripped and fell under the dustcart'; and 'Come here' became 'Come here because I have heavy bags of groceries to carry and I can't run after you if you take a wrong turn and you are too far off to hear me call'. They cooperated with a good grace when they understood the reasons.  Long-winded perhaps, but seems to have been effective!" ~ Ember


Editor's Note: Thanks to these subscribers for taking the time to respond.

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